Building up our Children and Giving them wins.

Homeschooling is definitely like tug-o-war: constantly trying to win our kids to our side.

It's 10:30 am and my middle schooler is falling apart. Let's define "falling apart," emotionally. Falling apart consists of an outward expression of an inward losing battle going on in a child's mind. Symptoms may include wide, angry and/or watery eyes, a red face from holding his or her breath, clenched fists, and outbursts of talking an octave louder than normal. The workbook being used may or may not be set down with enormous force, and the entire spectacle ends with stomping out of the room while informing me that I did it all wrong and he or she hates this. Am I the only homeschooling mom that experiences this?

I will admit, this does not happen often in our home, but when it does, it makes for a hard day of homeschooling. Furthermore, I can see why many parents won't homeschool for the sake of preserving the parent/child relationship. Even so, let me encourage you, it's going to be okay.

What is the right way to handle a situation like this? First, think of why the child may be responding emotionally to the assignment.

• Perhaps it's the child's first time learning this information and they are just not comprehending. New concepts can sometimes be scary.

• Maybe they are afraid to get the answers wrong.

• Do I need to find a different way to teach this?

• Does my child have pent up energy that needs to get out?

• Did my child eat a healthy breakfast or get enough sleep the night before?

• Too much screen time?

• Am I beating a dead horse?

• Did someone say something that hurt his or her feelings?

I have officially experienced all of these reasons in my 9 years of homeschooling, so take care, you're in good company.

Alright homeschooling parents, after assessing what and why the reaction is happening, Remain calm. This is a teaching moment. We all are going to face things we don't understand and we need to learn how to respond in a healthy way. Notice I said respond, not react. Two very different things. Keep in mind that reactions explode. Our kids will need to learn how to respond to a plethora of things they don't understand or want to do, including people, bosses and job descriptions and we need them to have the ability to remain calm; therefore, we must be the example as to what "calm" looks like. (I admit, this is not always easy.)

Here is how I often respond when my children are feeling overwhelmed. I look at them and simply tell them, "We are not doing this today." Simple as that. That goes for the attitude and the assignment. If the assignment causes my child to react in an unhealthy way, then we don't do the assignment, or we drastically scale back. What?! I can hear the inward judgements already. "Mrs. Erin, you can't teach your child to quit when things get hard." We do not quit, we pause and say, "Let's try this again tomorrow." Today's new agenda is to build up our child so tomorrow he or she will have the confidence needed to try again successfully.

Building kids up is essential to getting them to accomplish hard things. I often get children in the tutoring center who have such a long record of educational fails and so little wins, I cannot get them to even try. It's the saddest thing to see because when a kid stops trying, they believe they are dumb in that area, and that simply isn't true. When a child believes they can't then they won't. What do I do at this point? I assign work they can do even if its below their grade level. I start giving them wins. At home, with my children, I give them lots of opportunities to be helpful so they not only are physically satisfied, but also feel needed and important. Praises like, "Thank you so much for helping me do that, I just couldn't do it without you," goes a long way. Equally, giving children lots of victories in school are key to getting them to accomplish even harder things later on.

The truth is, there are no assignments more important than my relationship with my child. Relationship always comes first. In fact, without relationship, there are no grounds for getting a child to do anything. Again, I can only get a child to participate in an assignment if that child will do it, and if I do not have a strong bond with that child, they will not do anything I ask. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 reads, "So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you'll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind. I know you're already doing this; just keep on doing it." Lastly, it is written in the book of Ephesians, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I can go on and on, but be encouraged. Homeschooling is much bigger than worksheets and essays. Its about relationship, building confidence, and yes, in time, your child will do hard things with a good attitude.

Written by: Mrs. Erin